Sometimes I wanna die
Actually that’s a lie but sometimes I don’t wanna live. Ive lost all inclination to so some days I barely survive. I can no longer be bothered to try. Not here anyway. Not in this time and space. Not in this world where I constantly feel out of place. I don’t feel at home here, more often than not I feel completely alone here. Like I don’t belong and I never will. I’ve tried to fit in but I’m a standout still and generally I’m okay with that. I learnt to accept myself and my differences a long time ago. But this world, this life, this part of my existence, it drains me. These burdens, this stress, this world has its restraints on me.
I try to be there for others, I’m someone that people can turn to turn to but when you’re always that person no one bothers to check on you. Cause I’m supposedly the strong one. Im left to deal with it all. My stress and theirs. My cares and theirs. My pain and theirs. There’s this constant presumption that I’m okay, that I can cope with all, I can carry the weight. But what if I’m not and what if I can’t? Maybe I’ll die. I’m already dead inside. I hate showing weakness so ordinarily I try to hide. But there are a few I’ve turned to, this year I’ve lost 2 people I opened up to. I say lost but they’re not lost they just left. With nothing but confusion and regret I guess that’s part of what makes me feel alone in this world. People beg me to open up then disappear leaving me to be this one last lonely girl. In a world full of people thanking me for being there for them. People say that I’m too guarded, a closed book. Plead with me to open up so they can take a look. When I do I’m reminded of why I don’t.
Some people are afraid they’re not enough but I’m afraid I’m too much. Maybe I scare people away, I’m too… enough… so enough I terrify them… so enough they can’t bear it… so enough they run away.
They say no one cares until you’re dying but I’ve already died a thousand times and still there’s no one by my side.