Random Ramblings

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Sometimes I wanna die
Actually that’s a lie but sometimes I don’t wanna live. Ive lost all inclination to so some days I barely survive. I can no longer be bothered to try. Not here anyway. Not in this time and space. Not in this world where I constantly feel out of place. I don’t feel at home here, more often than not I feel completely alone here. Like I don’t belong and I never will. I’ve tried to fit in but I’m a standout still and generally I’m okay with that. I learnt to accept myself and my differences a long time ago. But this world, this life, this part of my existence, it drains me. These burdens, this stress, this world has its restraints on me.

I try to be there for others, I’m someone that people can turn to turn to but when you’re always that person no one bothers to check on you. Cause I’m supposedly the strong one. Im left to deal with it all. My stress and theirs. My cares and theirs. My pain and theirs. There’s this constant presumption that I’m okay, that I can cope with all, I can carry the weight. But what if I’m not and what if I can’t? Maybe I’ll die. I’m already dead inside. I hate showing weakness so ordinarily I try to hide. But there are a few I’ve turned to, this year I’ve lost 2 people I opened up to. I say lost but they’re not lost they just left. With nothing but confusion and regret I guess that’s part of what makes me feel alone in this world. People beg me to open up then disappear leaving me to be this one last lonely girl. In a world full of people thanking me for being there for them. People say that I’m too guarded, a closed book. Plead with me to open up so they can take a look. When I do I’m reminded of why I don’t. 

Some people are afraid they’re not enough but I’m afraid I’m too much. Maybe I scare people away, I’m too… enough… so enough I terrify them… so enough they can’t bear it… so enough they run away. 

They say no one cares until you’re dying but I’ve already died a thousand times and still there’s no one by my side. 

Beats, Rhymes, Life: The Podcast

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She did it… She finally started a podcast.
Apparently, according to those who know me or follow me on social media, this is long overdue. So, I’ve finally done it.

I am 1/4 of the Beats, Rhymes, Life podcast family. It’s set to be your new favourite music based podcast. We aim to give you a little bit of music news and our unfiltered, over opinionated music views mixed in with some playful banter. My co hosts are RZ (allegedly the one and only), Beige Ash and the delightful Gabrielle, all of whom have such extensive music knowledge you’re bound to be wowed. Shows will be uploaded fortnightly.

Our first episode was uploaded yesterday, we discussed the Anthony Joshua v Wladimir Klitschko fight, DMX checking into rehab, Giggs and his tour, the Drake v Kendrick ongoing battle for rap supremacy amongst other things; allowing you to get to know us as a team as well as individuals and generally get a taste of whats to come in future episodes. We closed the show with a song by our featured musical genius. This a segment we aim to offer you each show whereby we honour a person or collective with notable contribution to music.

If you’ve listened already then I hope you enjoyed, please feel free to give us feedback. If you haven’t then please do so when you have some time to spare Beats, Rhymes, Life: The Podcast

You can contact us via twitter and please use the hashtag #BeatsRhymesLifePod to provide commentary

Promised land 

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Don’t cry for me when I’m gone
Save your shoulda woulda coulda’s for that Beverley Knight song
I’ve been dying for years

Don’t waste your tears 

Over what you never did 

And the actions that, God forbid

I eventually took to leave 

This life that was never made for me 

Don’t cry for me when I’m free

Don’t I deserve dreams that come true and last?

Don’t I deserve happy endings rather than the desolate days of my past?

Don’t I deserve a love that keeps on giving?

Don’t I deserve a better ending than my beginning?

Don’t I deserve to be happy each day?

Don’t cry for me when I’ve got my way

It’s selfish

Continue to live as you are 

Continue to love me from afar

Maybe I’ll return one day, if you leave the door ajar 

💜🌸💫

Missing persons

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I miss you sometimes you know, when I think about one of the fond memories we share or when I hear a new album I know only you would be as excited about, when I need a hip hop concert buddy or when I see a joke I know you’d find funny.
I miss the you I knew, the one you showed me, I miss how I was with you, I miss the old me, the person I was before you broke me but then I relive it all again and pain takes hold of me. 
I don’t understand what happened that night. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give up without a fight. I don’t get how you could do those things and think it’s alright.
Why didn’t you listen when I asked you to stop? When I screamed? When I begged? When I hit you in the head? Why did you force your way inside me instead? 
And how can I miss you? How can I still have love for you? How can I still wish you well? How can I still wanna share things with you? How can I have forgiven you? Who even are you?
What happened to the man who I could talk to about anything, who put my safekeeping above everything. The man I trusted. The man on who I could depend. I miss you sometimes you know, I miss my friend. 

Sometimes 

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Sometimes overthinking won’t permit me to sleep

Sometimes I just sit and weep

Sometimes I lay and ask myself “why me?”

Sometimes I consider going back on sleeping pills but fuck prescription meds cause they truly fucked me 

Sometimes I pretend this unhappiness doesn’t dwell within me

You know when something’s eating away at you and you try to ignore it? That’s habitually me

Sometimes I wonder if I’m living wrong or if life is wronging me

Sometimes the fact I can’t write feels like it’s literally killing me 

Sometimes I think I need another outlet but can’t work out what that would be

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me cause sometimes I really need a friend like me 

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to other than God and me

Sometimes I think I’ve found brighter days but sometimes the light is hard to see 

Sometimes I believe in your lies but sometimes I see through the fallacy

Sometimes I get sick of being someone’s make believe 

Sometimes I pray one day I can be your reality 

Sometimes I wish I could trust but mostly I just wish people were trustworthy

Sometimes I fake being carefree and sometimes I wish that really were me 

Sometimes I think about the people who’ve hurt me

Sometimes I wish people really heard me

Sometimes I wish I didn’t push everyone away

Sometimes I’m just mad they didn’t fight harder to stay

Sometimes I think I shouldn’t give you these words for free

Sometimes I just wish free is what I could be 

Sometimes I need to be hugged so tight it suffocates me 

Sometimes it’s hard being me 
 

Prisoner of war

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They say I should speak my truth

But sometimes my truth is poison and I don’t wanna inflict that kind of abuse

So I bite my tongue

I resign to the fact my song shan’t be sung 

And I remain a mute bird

They say I should tell my story, that it deserves to be heard 

But my story’s a living nightmare so I try to swallow the words 

Until they wrap themselves around my neck and squeeze 

Feels like I’m being hung and I can’t breathe 

Being held captive by my thoughts and I can’t leave 

They ask me what’s on my mind but I can’t say 

Need to ask God for help but I can’t pray

So I remain suffocated by the pain I can’t relay

I can’t escape it though my mind has it on eternal replay

Can’t erase it – it’s been ingrained

Can’t replace it with new memories made

Abased by the interest my loved ones feign

“You never open up” – they all complain

11:11

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I’m afraid of who I am when I’m with you 

Of who I become while you were away 

I’m afraid that no one else will ever make me feel that way

I’m afraid of the fullness I feel when you’re near me

Of the emptiness when you leave

I’m afraid cause when I go without you I feel my body grieve 

I’m afraid of your smile

Of that look in your eyes

I’m afraid your gaze dizzies me too much for me to see your lies

I’m afraid of everything you said

Of everything I didn’t 

I’m afraid of all that this is and all that it isn’t 

I’m afraid the illusion will die

I’m afraid that I won’t let it

I’m afraid this love will haunt me

I’m afraid I won’t forget it 

I’m afraid that it’s all nothing

I’m afraid that it’s everything too

But I fear nothing and no one the way that I fear my love for you