Sincerely yours,

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Tears in my eyes feeling incredibly stupid. How do I keep ending up here? I really wanted us and thought you did

I know it’s a crazy pain cause I can’t seem to write it away
Can’t find the strength to fight it away
The words won’t flow but I type anyway 
I kinda knew I wasn’t your type anyway
But every time I tried to leave you’d type “please stay”
Even though I’m not reserved enough for you to see
Me in the ways you’d consider wifely
I only asked if you saw yourself with me to create an opportunity for you to be honest with me
But you didn’t take it 
And this isn’t even a top 3 heart break for me
The one I lost before you still causes me heartache 
I’m just disappointed in you
No, I’m disappointed in us
I’m disappointed cause I was never really sceptical of you I just appointed my trust 
I figured if we were ever gonna make it work then that was a must 
And you broke it
My trust and my heart
Now I’m sitting here replaying the start 
Wishing we could go back again 
I’d keep us as friends, I wouldn’t give into the lust
That fucked us up
Well me anyway
This is the end I guess
Sincerely no longer yours today

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Relinquish 

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I don’t want to compromise anymore. I don’t want to compromise or be understanding or make allowances or exceptions. I don’t want to be rational. I don’t want to listen to excuses. I don’t want to pretend I can’t tell when I’m being lied to. I don’t want to laugh it off anymore. I don’t want to forgive and forget. I don’t want to love unconditionally. I don’t want to be there whenever anyone needs me. I don’t want my shoulders to be leant on or cried on. I don’t want to be anyone’s support system. I don’t want to wait for anyone to be ready to open up to me. I don’t want to pretend it doesn’t hurt when people I love tarnish my name behind my back. I don’t want to keep being disappointed by people I’d do anything for. I don’t want to hold back the tears every time I realise how little people know me. I don’t want to want to accept love the word, I want love the verb and I don’t want to accept a love that they can’t show me. I don’t want to hide the pain anymore. I don’t want to be alone and lonely. I don’t want to pretend I’m okay. I don’t want to open my heart to anyone. I don’t want to trust. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to rely on anyone who can never be there. I don’t want to panic. I don’t want to be scared. 

I want to cry and shout and scream. I want to speak my whole truth and make reality out of my dreams. 

Random Ramblings

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Sometimes I wanna die
Actually that’s a lie but sometimes I don’t wanna live. Ive lost all inclination to so some days I barely survive. I can no longer be bothered to try. Not here anyway. Not in this time and space. Not in this world where I constantly feel out of place. I don’t feel at home here, more often than not I feel completely alone here. Like I don’t belong and I never will. I’ve tried to fit in but I’m a standout still and generally I’m okay with that. I learnt to accept myself and my differences a long time ago. But this world, this life, this part of my existence, it drains me. These burdens, this stress, this world has its restraints on me.

I try to be there for others, I’m someone that people can turn to turn to but when you’re always that person no one bothers to check on you. Cause I’m supposedly the strong one. Im left to deal with it all. My stress and theirs. My cares and theirs. My pain and theirs. There’s this constant presumption that I’m okay, that I can cope with all, I can carry the weight. But what if I’m not and what if I can’t? Maybe I’ll die. I’m already dead inside. I hate showing weakness so ordinarily I try to hide. But there are a few I’ve turned to, this year I’ve lost 2 people I opened up to. I say lost but they’re not lost they just left. With nothing but confusion and regret I guess that’s part of what makes me feel alone in this world. People beg me to open up then disappear leaving me to be this one last lonely girl. In a world full of people thanking me for being there for them. People say that I’m too guarded, a closed book. Plead with me to open up so they can take a look. When I do I’m reminded of why I don’t. 

Some people are afraid they’re not enough but I’m afraid I’m too much. Maybe I scare people away, I’m too… enough… so enough I terrify them… so enough they can’t bear it… so enough they run away. 

They say no one cares until you’re dying but I’ve already died a thousand times and still there’s no one by my side. 

Beats, Rhymes, Life: The Podcast

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She did it… She finally started a podcast.
Apparently, according to those who know me or follow me on social media, this is long overdue. So, I’ve finally done it.

I am 1/4 of the Beats, Rhymes, Life podcast family. It’s set to be your new favourite music based podcast. We aim to give you a little bit of music news and our unfiltered, over opinionated music views mixed in with some playful banter. My co hosts are RZ (allegedly the one and only), Beige Ash and the delightful Gabrielle, all of whom have such extensive music knowledge you’re bound to be wowed. Shows will be uploaded fortnightly.

Our first episode was uploaded yesterday, we discussed the Anthony Joshua v Wladimir Klitschko fight, DMX checking into rehab, Giggs and his tour, the Drake v Kendrick ongoing battle for rap supremacy amongst other things; allowing you to get to know us as a team as well as individuals and generally get a taste of whats to come in future episodes. We closed the show with a song by our featured musical genius. This a segment we aim to offer you each show whereby we honour a person or collective with notable contribution to music.

If you’ve listened already then I hope you enjoyed, please feel free to give us feedback. If you haven’t then please do so when you have some time to spare Beats, Rhymes, Life: The Podcast

You can contact us via twitter and please use the hashtag #BeatsRhymesLifePod to provide commentary

Promised land 

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Don’t cry for me when I’m gone
Save your shoulda woulda coulda’s for that Beverley Knight song
I’ve been dying for years

Don’t waste your tears 

Over what you never did 

And the actions that, God forbid

I eventually took to leave 

This life that was never made for me 

Don’t cry for me when I’m free

Don’t I deserve dreams that come true and last?

Don’t I deserve happy endings rather than the desolate days of my past?

Don’t I deserve a love that keeps on giving?

Don’t I deserve a better ending than my beginning?

Don’t I deserve to be happy each day?

Don’t cry for me when I’ve got my way

It’s selfish

Continue to live as you are 

Continue to love me from afar

Maybe I’ll return one day, if you leave the door ajar 

💜🌸💫

Missing persons

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I miss you sometimes you know, when I think about one of the fond memories we share or when I hear a new album I know only you would be as excited about, when I need a hip hop concert buddy or when I see a joke I know you’d find funny.
I miss the you I knew, the one you showed me, I miss how I was with you, I miss the old me, the person I was before you broke me but then I relive it all again and pain takes hold of me. 
I don’t understand what happened that night. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give up without a fight. I don’t get how you could do those things and think it’s alright.
Why didn’t you listen when I asked you to stop? When I screamed? When I begged? When I hit you in the head? Why did you force your way inside me instead? 
And how can I miss you? How can I still have love for you? How can I still wish you well? How can I still wanna share things with you? How can I have forgiven you? Who even are you?
What happened to the man who I could talk to about anything, who put my safekeeping above everything. The man I trusted. The man on who I could depend. I miss you sometimes you know, I miss my friend. 

Sometimes 

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Sometimes overthinking won’t permit me to sleep

Sometimes I just sit and weep

Sometimes I lay and ask myself “why me?”

Sometimes I consider going back on sleeping pills but fuck prescription meds cause they truly fucked me 

Sometimes I pretend this unhappiness doesn’t dwell within me

You know when something’s eating away at you and you try to ignore it? That’s habitually me

Sometimes I wonder if I’m living wrong or if life is wronging me

Sometimes the fact I can’t write feels like it’s literally killing me 

Sometimes I think I need another outlet but can’t work out what that would be

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me cause sometimes I really need a friend like me 

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to other than God and me

Sometimes I think I’ve found brighter days but sometimes the light is hard to see 

Sometimes I believe in your lies but sometimes I see through the fallacy

Sometimes I get sick of being someone’s make believe 

Sometimes I pray one day I can be your reality 

Sometimes I wish I could trust but mostly I just wish people were trustworthy

Sometimes I fake being carefree and sometimes I wish that really were me 

Sometimes I think about the people who’ve hurt me

Sometimes I wish people really heard me

Sometimes I wish I didn’t push everyone away

Sometimes I’m just mad they didn’t fight harder to stay

Sometimes I think I shouldn’t give you these words for free

Sometimes I just wish free is what I could be 

Sometimes I need to be hugged so tight it suffocates me 

Sometimes it’s hard being me